food RULES, diets DROOL.
i am an X for a face right now.
soooo…what sucks about getting older is missing out on the ‘elasticity’ of youth. by elasticity, i mean being able to do the following in heavy rotation:
-drink/eat/abuse your body excessively with foreign materials and/or objects
-stay up all night then go to work immediately the next day with NO sleep
-dance on top of tables and/or bars without losing your balance
-walk in stilettoes for longer than an hour without the ‘cankle’ affect or swollen pinkytoes
-tattoo & pierce your face and/or other unauthorized, NSFW body parts
-smoke cigarettes and/or other “au naturale” materials excessively
-stay out in the heat or cold all day for the sake of tailgating one’s hometeam
-get in cars with awesome yet unknown people your own age to go to some place or party area you’ve never heard of nor been too
-EAT. EAT WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT, WHENEVER THE HELL YOU WANT.
…i’m seriously rue-ing the day right now, as i’m into day #2 of sucking down these french vanilla-flavored bottles of powdered death, so that i can detoxify myself for the next week’s worth of juicing and portion control.
i mean, my skin looks AWESOME when i do all this, and i actually feel better except for the fact that i’m hungry for all the things i know i can’t have. i miss dairy products like you wouldn’t believe. CHEESE and Cheese by-product. greek yogurt is great and all, but there’s nothing like an overly season, overcooked CURLY fry. the deliciousness of freshly baked CASEY’S pastries is off the chain, bytches. and DO NOT forget the deliciousness of an ice-cold tall can of Pabst Blue Ribbon on a miserably hot summer day…or a “cape cod” a’la Mr. Burnetts Vodka products. i mean, i’m just saying.
but for the sake if smaller boobs, no post-baby gut (especially considering my ‘baby’ is now 5yrs old going on 40!) and the loss of that mystery piece of flesh adorning the underside of my chin (i mean, i always had chubby cheeks and dimples but screw Mr. Chin!) —
i will JUICE and SHAKE and detoxify to within an inch of my life this summer.
i will turn myself into a human pretzel, all via YOGA and all for the sake of staying flexible, sane, and breathing better.
i will get at least 6hrs of sleep per night.
i will exfoliate like a mofo.
and lastly - i will ban all unauthorized snacks, products, and bbq-type summery fat-foods to saturdays & sundays ONLY.
…it still sucks though. i don’t care what anyone says. so you feel better and you look great…you still don’t get to eat Monster Burgers anymore. MEH.